Since I started gaining weight in the last five or so years, I have wavered between not caring and caring too much. I naively hadn’t realized that even shoes are made only for certain body types and now that mine had changed, I could no longer wear what had been a staple in my wardrobe. Like the first time I tried on a high boot and couldn’t get it to zip around my calf. It’s only through gaining a fluctuating 20-30+ pounds that I fully understand the level of skinny privilege I was operating from. I remember thinking at the time that I was just “average” or even “untoned.” Now, I look back with shock at a frame that I never realized I had in the first place. There are pictures of me from my mid-twenties that I can’t believe caused no one to be alarmed at how skinny I was. Will this public display of dresses turn into a public display of my body? And will that display slowly, or quickly, unravel the mental work I have been doing to be at peace with my current weight and size? You see, I’m one of the many people whose body has significantly changed as I’ve gotten older. And at 33 and engaged for the second time, I feel like I have waited long enough for what has always felt to me to be a major life moment.īut as the much-anticipated event approaches, I feel a sense of fear start to take hold. No matter how silly it might be, I want to try on a bunch of fancy dresses in front of my loved ones as we all freak out (in a good way). While there are plenty of valid reasons to debate wedding rituals, something about this part has always pulled on my heartstrings. I used to live right near a big bridal boutique and every time I walked past I would peer in to see if anyone was having an appointment so I could see the dress and everyone’s excitement. While other people have spent years fantasizing about their wedding day, I have spent my time daydreaming about dress shopping. My sister is flying out from New York to Los Angeles to come with me, along with my parents and one of my bridesmaids. In a few week I am going to try on wedding dresses for the first time. TW: Anti-Fat Bias, Weight Loss/Gain, Self-harm
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